Heart Broken

Well, Tuesday we had to say goodbye to a beautiful soul.
Our Dog Willis has gone to the Rainbow Bridge!
I can't begin to explain the emptiness I feel at his loss! I've always been rather... hard with things. I've lost a lot in my life. I've been through hell and took names, went back for a few rounds and survived. So, I walk through life with a bit of numbness to the negative things, to the heartache in life. Or I kid myself that I do.
This has shook me though. This has knocked me on my ass, This is hell kicking me and taking my name.

We took Willis for the last car ride of his life. We told him what was about to happen, and why, and like any dog, he licked our faces and wagged his tail and jumped in the van! He was ready to go.
Once I hit the highway I numbed myself. I blocked everything out and put on my brave face. Because, though this was my dog, and I loved him. This is my husbands partner, His brother, his link to all that is good. His proof that there is a God as he puts it.
I felt my job was/is to support him through this time.
yeah, I did ok until we got to the Vet hospital. Then, I couldn't do it. My dog was all tongue and wagging tail, thinking we were taking him on a wonderful outing to a new place. So trusting, so innocent. He didn't know we were there to put an end to his beautiful existence.
We took him in, met the people we needed to meet, Paid the fee, which just about killed US, and went into the room.
I sat through them explaining how they were going to do it, Crying silently, I hugged my dog, I let my hubby comfort me, and then I said I couldn't be there.
I couldn't watch them end my dog's life. I don't know why, but I couldn't be there for him. Part of me felt like I was letting my Willis down, and part of me feels , It wasn't my place. That was a time for Willis and Bill to be together.

I went to my Van and bawled my heart out , until I thought I was going to be sick. Then pulled myself together. I knew at this point, My dog was gone, and I wanted to go make sure my hubby was ok.
I walked into the vets office and sat in the waiting chair, and then I seen it, and I heard it. I looked up from my hands towards the door, and seen my pup's tail sticking out from under it, and I heard this keening wail of my husband's grief. It stripped my numbness and my heart bled. My Bill is a "tough guy" he doesn't cry very often. And this... this was devastating. I could hear the shock at what he'd just had to do, and the heartbreaking grief. I heard it all.
I went in to see if I could comfort him. I couldn't, I just sat there rubbing both their heads, as he sat on the floor with our Willis' head in his lap. My dog looked so peaceful!

It wasn't until I got home that it was overwhelming. I walked in, and there were no welcoming Barks, I started to softly cry, but, it wasn't until i opened my bedroom door!
I looked to my bed, and there was No Willis head! NO WILLIS ! No head popping up to say "I'm not on your bed mom!! Honest!"


My house is quiet, My house is empty, my house is hollow.
I miss the smell of his farts! how sick is THAT! LOL

I sure do miss my dog.