17 Years.......

April 18th is a day each year that I take specially to remember the rough time I had to live through in 1992. I chose to not think about it the rest of the year as much as I can, because I want to spend the Rest of the time just thinking good things, and having good memories flow through my brain.

April 18 1992 is the day my brother Jason was killed. The day my life stood still, the day my world came crashing down. Nothing has been the same since.

Sure, I've learned to keep putting one foot in front of the other and carrying on, but that day, my life and reality crashed into one another creating a huge vortex. A part of my heart was killed off, and has never healed.

I've sought in many different faucets of life, to find someway of filling that void, of healing the hole.I still haven't and I think I've finally stopped trying.
and I am no longer just drugging it so it would go away. I tell you, rehab isn't worth it, LOL and I'm clean and clear! I don't drink the pain away and I don't shoot the pain away anymore, I just let is wash over me, and it seems to be working!


Its nice to be back in BC. With not having my brother buried or having a final resting place, I don't have anywhere to go to put flowers, to talk, to do all the "normal" things we do when someone passes on. With being in the city that he was killed, it gives me an opportunity to go to the site of the incident, to place Flowers and pictures and whatever else I wish, on his pole. It's my way of remembering, its my way of making the city remember.

It was a beautiful day here. The sun was out, it was warm, the birds were driving me nuts... my dogs wanted to play! Normal everyday things! I don't know why, but I tend to just wish the world would stand still along with me! Just on this one day, Is that to much to ask? LOL
My mother's "Best Friend" for almost 40 years called to talk to my mom, and when I said that she was off on a walk to the ocean and just wanted to be alone, she asked me why.. I was a little stunned, because after a few moments of talking with her, I realized, She didn't remember.
Now, ok, I understand that this wasn't HER child, but some deep part of me thinks, if your even a slight friend of my mothers, you know, and remember... let alone someone who has known her for 40 years.
I can't stand this woman to begin with, but this is a little selfish. LOL Oh well, each to their own.

So, my son and I went to the pole and put flowers and a picture of my brother on it, and called it a day.
I wasn't depressed, though, when the man walking down the road stopped and read my thing, and Started telling me how sorry he was, I admit, I cried. But for the most part, I did ok.
I had a few heart breaking and morbid moments, but I carried on. Because really.. What choice do I have?

and now, Only 8 more days until my birthday!! YAY!