I just shot myself in the ass.

• 
  

  So as many of you know I've had this medical issue going on for the last year.
   It's taken a good year! but I'm finally seeing a Hematologist about it
  (YAY Canadian medical!) 
  It's been a mentally and physically challenging year. I've had some major ups and downs while dealing with one medical person after another telling me i'm dying.  I've gained 30 more pounds. I hate my body. Life's been the shits.  And yet.
  And YET!
  
   I love my life! I live in a wonderful home with tons of land. I have chickens and dogs. My beautiful spouse (who keeps me alive!) and  1.5 grandbabies (Due in Aug!)
  
    OH MAN! Grandbabies! They are Gods gift aren't they? I just love them.
  The point is. I plan on living. I have 2 boys that need to make me a grandma! Can't leave it all to my daughter =-)
  
  
  

  
  

  So one of the things I now do to work on my blood is B12 injections.
   EASY PEASY we all say!
   Right? Am I Right?
  NOT.
  

  

  
  

  I am terrified of needles. I mean so terrified you just don't understand.
   I'm that fool that passes out.
  Last week was my first injection. My husband gave it to me. I cried like a little bitch for like 7 min before he could jab that sucker in my ass!
  I didn't feel a thing. I'm a pansy. 

  No it's ok. I admit it and I'm ok with it.
  Hi.. My name is Emily and I'm a pansy.

  
  

  So that brings us to today!   And this is how it went down:

  
  

  
  

  Since yesterday I've been feeling low , depressed and run down again. The B12 crash!  Good times good times. But I'm doing all I can. I have a month (less now) to get my blood lvls up or I get stuck in the 'pital for IV Iron transfusion.  OH GOOD TIMES!!!
  
  So this morning I thought to myself "Self! maybe you should take the B12 shot. Hmmm maybe not. Bill isn't here to do it. 

  Aww I can do it myself!
   *grabs a new needle*
   WTF this is HUGE ( 3ml 25.5 gage, it's MUCH bigger than the 1ml)   I mean like 10 feet longer!  And thicker!  No seriously!

  See, this is the one I had last week

  

  It's small.  The needle part is short! 1ml/ 27.5 gauge! SMALL
  
  The other one .. the 3 mil?  It SAYS it's 25.5 gauge.  BULL SHIT!  I'm positive it was a 16! (Because of course I know these things!) It might have even been an 8.
  
  I tell you it looked like this

  

  The more I looked at it the more it started to look like THIS!  Yeah I'm not exaggerating here!

  

  
  

  
  

  
  I start to stress. Stress bad.
  Look in bag. Ahhh another 1ml! I'm ok. 
• 
  

  I fill syringe. Wander the house for 10 min. Do my dishes. Come back. FINE I CAN DO THIS.   /whispers  I can do this
  
  
  Put needle to my ass. or I think my ass. could be my hip. I'm already tearing so who knows. look in mirror.
  Nope it's not even in! Oh right. I have to PUSH IT.

  
  

  Push needle in. wait for pain. there is none.
   YAY FUCK YEAH! 
  *does the Jennifer Lawrence face from "we saw your boobs"*

  

  Push in b12.
  
  
   Feel a twinge half way.
  
   stop. 
  
  keep going. 
  
  DONE.
  
  
   Again with the Jenn face!

  

  
  

  
  

  Clean up syringe. Look at dogs... Then it starts.  

  
  

  
  

  

  
  

  I turn into THIS

  
  

  

  
  
• 
  
  

  
  

  Was there air in the syringe?
  Did I get it in my muscle?
   what if I missed the muscle? (come on.. I was having a freak out!)
  what if I didnt do it right?
  What if the B12 causes a blood clot to come free (I read up on B12 like a dumbass) 
  
  WHAT IF I DIE?
  
  
  

  Then... my leg warms up, 
  then it gets tense .. 
  hen my chest gets heavy. 
  then.... my neck and face get hot. I mean really hot.

  Yup I'm fucking dying. I have a blood clot. and I'm gonna die. 

  NO wait.. 

  it's an air bubble. I'm dying. can't breathe.

   Tears happening...
  I'm shaking!  snot...  EW Snot!
  Gotta get out of the bathroom so when I die I don't fall hit the toilet and kill myself!
  
  FUCK JENNIFER .

  I walk around in circles for a good 15 min waiting to die. nothing happens. I feel slightly let down.
   my left side feels odd... but, I'm ok. 

  Message Brittany tell her Im freaking out. Yup. Im a dumbass.

  Wait...

  

  
  

  Turns out it was just another panic attack!
  
  I feel like I've fallen over. /facepalm. 

  Am I feeling better??  HECK YEAH!  Time to blog this shit!

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  

  
  

  
  

  Well. Heres to next week! When I shoot myself in the ass again~!