The more I am in Canada. The more I miss being in the USA.
This mindset is very much taking over me right now.
I am very homesick for the USA.
Interesting seeing as I was born and raised in Canada.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
I have a yoga mat!
My husband, God bless him. Bought me this yoga kit. It has a mat, a block (I don't know what the block is for to be honest), these 5 lb pink balls, a stretchy band and some other stuff I can't remember!
It's so cool! I now have to start using it!
Things are moving forward in my world. Nothing major. Nothing new.
I mean, I really don't have anything to report. I guess I'll just babble!
The biggest thing happening right now for me is 100% mental/emotional.
I'm learning to cry and let things go.
Sounds easy right? I mean.. come on ! how hard is it to cry?
When you are raised that crying is not something you do. It's hard.
Not only that, the people I've been with have used it as a sign of weakness.
I've always bottled things.
I'm learning not to! It's fun (not) There are moments when I cry and I have no idea why. There are times when i watch TV and something sets me off, OR when i am reading a book!
This morning I had a text convo with a girl that i haven't talked to in weeks. The pain she is feeling was overwhelming and I cried for her.
*sighs*
I know it's a good thing. It's cleansing and purifying. Like the rain!
The only thing on my mind lately is "friends". I'm having a really hard time with the loss of those I felt/thought were my friends.
I wonder if I just have a different view of what friends are.
It makes me homesick for the USA. I miss my American friends. I miss the get togethers! The trips to the waterslides, the Coopers rock trips. The bbqs the insanity.
I miss the fact that driving an hour wasn't a big deal.
I MISS YOU ALL MY BEAUTIFUL AMERICAN PEEPS!
Here in Canada I have only a few friends. I have lots of people around me, but only 2 that I call friend. One is a beautiful and amazing lady. She is helping me learn how to grow. I hope to have her in my life always. What is the most wonderful to me right now is that, she's there. Always there. She knows what is happening in my life and she's always there. If i msg her, or text her and even when i call. She always answers! I've NEVER had that before! When I think about what a friend is, She is it.. with a capital B!
With everyone else, I feel disposable. When i'm needed they come looking, but if I need something they aren't there. They don't want to do anything.
So. I've stopped trying. And this hurts my heart. I don't know how to feel about it all I just know I feel this constriction in my heart. It makes me lonely.
So .. this is me!
I am going to head outside and take my puppies for a walk!!
Get yo butts outside people!!
It's so cool! I now have to start using it!
Things are moving forward in my world. Nothing major. Nothing new.
I mean, I really don't have anything to report. I guess I'll just babble!
The biggest thing happening right now for me is 100% mental/emotional.
I'm learning to cry and let things go.
Sounds easy right? I mean.. come on ! how hard is it to cry?
When you are raised that crying is not something you do. It's hard.
I've always bottled things.
I'm learning not to! It's fun (not) There are moments when I cry and I have no idea why. There are times when i watch TV and something sets me off, OR when i am reading a book!
This morning I had a text convo with a girl that i haven't talked to in weeks. The pain she is feeling was overwhelming and I cried for her.
*sighs*
I know it's a good thing. It's cleansing and purifying. Like the rain!
The only thing on my mind lately is "friends". I'm having a really hard time with the loss of those I felt/thought were my friends.
I wonder if I just have a different view of what friends are.
It makes me homesick for the USA. I miss my American friends. I miss the get togethers! The trips to the waterslides, the Coopers rock trips. The bbqs the insanity.
I miss the fact that driving an hour wasn't a big deal.
I MISS YOU ALL MY BEAUTIFUL AMERICAN PEEPS!
Here in Canada I have only a few friends. I have lots of people around me, but only 2 that I call friend. One is a beautiful and amazing lady. She is helping me learn how to grow. I hope to have her in my life always. What is the most wonderful to me right now is that, she's there. Always there. She knows what is happening in my life and she's always there. If i msg her, or text her and even when i call. She always answers! I've NEVER had that before! When I think about what a friend is, She is it.. with a capital B!
With everyone else, I feel disposable. When i'm needed they come looking, but if I need something they aren't there. They don't want to do anything.
So. I've stopped trying. And this hurts my heart. I don't know how to feel about it all I just know I feel this constriction in my heart. It makes me lonely.
So .. this is me!
I am going to head outside and take my puppies for a walk!!
Get yo butts outside people!!
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Happy Canada day.
Happy Canada to everyone!
I know I'm not as consitient with this blog as I should be. I will be. I have a million excuses as to why I don't blog as much. I'm doing so much school work, I have a house to clean, a yard to tend. I broke a nail and can't yet face reality.
But it all comes down to - It's excuses. Not reasons, excuses.
I haven't done yoga in 2 weeks. Why? because I've been lazy. I can't figure out another good excuse so I'm not going to try.
I haven't felt like it so I haven't.
And this folks, is why I weigh 240 pounds!
I give up quickly.
This is what I need to focus on changing the most. I'm eating much better than pretty much ever in my life before now. I'm getting to a place mentally I've NEVER been before. The one constant that I have the hardest time changing is my exercise. My motivation. It's just not there.
I was on the bus Thursday. If you know me, you know how freaking hard it is for me to get on a bus. To put myself in such a close social setting like that is so hard. I am not a social creature and the humans out there scare me. But I haven't gotten myself to the point where I can walk the distance it was needed to get to school ( HMMMM not THERE is a crazy motivator!!)
So, Thursday I am having the worst day ever. I'd been having issues with the hubby since the day before and the drive to Victoria with him was strained and shitty. I spent the morning alternating between playing with my grand-baby and crying in my daughter's bathroom. It was rough. But I had to go to school! So I get on the bus and it's so packed! I finally found a seat beside the older lady (she had to be in her 60's so not terribly old, but she looked old) after about 2 min she turns to me and says "I used to weight 150 pounds"
This is how the conversation went:
Woman: " I used to weigh 150 pounds"
Me: "I'd love to weigh 150 again"
Woman nodding " Well I started taking B6 and it helped me lose the weight"
pause
Woman: "You should try it"
pause
Me: "I think I should! Can you tell me what it does?"
Then comes a 15 min conversation where this woman explained to me about the B6 and the B12 she is taking and that maybe what was wrong with me for lack of energy was anemia *grins*.
She really was just trying to help, and she was soft and sweet about it. I wasn't that insulted by it. I could of been, but for some reason just the way she had a normal conversation about it with me was nice. I could tell she wasn't being insulting.
I should of got her name.
And you know what, the bus ride went by so quickly I didn't have time to feel like a caged animal.
It did bother me the conversation. That I am fat enough that strangers try to offer me help. The ironic part is, the woman who got on the bus 2 stops after I did was so large she couldn't sit down in a seat.
I wondered if people talked to her about this every day. If random people hit her up for a "how to lose weigh" conversation out of the blue. Did she feel as humiliated as I do?
Friday was a day of mowing the lawn. This might sound easy to you. Push a lawn mower around a yard until it looks good. WEWT.
But for me its not. My grass is taller than my waist, I have 2 acres of it and not only are there native blackberry vines all through it but also tribes of pygmies living in it! Those spears are hard to dodge!
I spent over 4 hours doing the lawn and weeding the rose bushes in the heat! It was awf.......
AHHHH Hubby just asked me if I was ready to go! It's after 9 am and we need to get to Vic for 10!
I'm not even dressed!!!!
I will have to finish this blog later!!
Love and Light until later!
<3
I know I'm not as consitient with this blog as I should be. I will be. I have a million excuses as to why I don't blog as much. I'm doing so much school work, I have a house to clean, a yard to tend. I broke a nail and can't yet face reality.
But it all comes down to - It's excuses. Not reasons, excuses.
I haven't done yoga in 2 weeks. Why? because I've been lazy. I can't figure out another good excuse so I'm not going to try.
I haven't felt like it so I haven't.
And this folks, is why I weigh 240 pounds!
I give up quickly.
This is what I need to focus on changing the most. I'm eating much better than pretty much ever in my life before now. I'm getting to a place mentally I've NEVER been before. The one constant that I have the hardest time changing is my exercise. My motivation. It's just not there.
I was on the bus Thursday. If you know me, you know how freaking hard it is for me to get on a bus. To put myself in such a close social setting like that is so hard. I am not a social creature and the humans out there scare me. But I haven't gotten myself to the point where I can walk the distance it was needed to get to school ( HMMMM not THERE is a crazy motivator!!)
So, Thursday I am having the worst day ever. I'd been having issues with the hubby since the day before and the drive to Victoria with him was strained and shitty. I spent the morning alternating between playing with my grand-baby and crying in my daughter's bathroom. It was rough. But I had to go to school! So I get on the bus and it's so packed! I finally found a seat beside the older lady (she had to be in her 60's so not terribly old, but she looked old) after about 2 min she turns to me and says "I used to weight 150 pounds"
This is how the conversation went:
Woman: " I used to weigh 150 pounds"
Me: "I'd love to weigh 150 again"
Woman nodding " Well I started taking B6 and it helped me lose the weight"
pause
Woman: "You should try it"
pause
Me: "I think I should! Can you tell me what it does?"
Then comes a 15 min conversation where this woman explained to me about the B6 and the B12 she is taking and that maybe what was wrong with me for lack of energy was anemia *grins*.
She really was just trying to help, and she was soft and sweet about it. I wasn't that insulted by it. I could of been, but for some reason just the way she had a normal conversation about it with me was nice. I could tell she wasn't being insulting.
I should of got her name.
And you know what, the bus ride went by so quickly I didn't have time to feel like a caged animal.
It did bother me the conversation. That I am fat enough that strangers try to offer me help. The ironic part is, the woman who got on the bus 2 stops after I did was so large she couldn't sit down in a seat.
I wondered if people talked to her about this every day. If random people hit her up for a "how to lose weigh" conversation out of the blue. Did she feel as humiliated as I do?
Friday was a day of mowing the lawn. This might sound easy to you. Push a lawn mower around a yard until it looks good. WEWT.
But for me its not. My grass is taller than my waist, I have 2 acres of it and not only are there native blackberry vines all through it but also tribes of pygmies living in it! Those spears are hard to dodge!
I spent over 4 hours doing the lawn and weeding the rose bushes in the heat! It was awf.......
AHHHH Hubby just asked me if I was ready to go! It's after 9 am and we need to get to Vic for 10!
I'm not even dressed!!!!
I will have to finish this blog later!!
Love and Light until later!
<3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)