It's all about dedication and having the want and need to change. This journey I am on has been started a few times for me. Something has just clicked that makes me want to finally DO it!
It's also incredibly hard. When I sit on a chair at school I am very conscious now of the fact that my ass doesn't fit on it. That my legs bulge out. That I am very uncomfortable physically. I am aware of the "obese" conversations my instructor and fellow students always have and are always looking at me.
I get that I don't fit in with pretty much any of the things in life that I am a part of.
My school mates are mostly all small girls (many who feel they aren't *shakes head*) who don't ask me to hang out or do anything with them because my size is an issue for THEM! I'm not assuming, once classmate actually told me this is why they don't ask me to their parties and stuff. *shrugs* apparently when you are fat you don't have feelings =-)
Very few of them are actually interested in the why I became the way I am (Yes, they are all in school to become healers, why do you ask?) They have made massive assumptions and don't really care if they are wrong. Once they got it in their head, it took root these thoughts and those roots aren't moving.
I think maybe, instead of being so dismissive of me I would have been happier if they attempted to "fix" me! LOL I wouldn't feel quiet as alone. There are times when I'm feeling horribly low and depressed . I'll think about how I will be in a year when I've lost massive weight! (because I WILL) and will i get invited to things then? If so, I don't think i'd go. I'm still me, I'll just be a smaller me!
It's sad but it's OK. I have a handful of people at school who are awesome! I'm blessed to have found them!
Being fat is lonely. Most people don't invite you out, and most times when they do, you don't go! Why? because you are so uncomfortable with your size you don't want to be in public.
Which makes you stay at home and do nothing. Because it's depressing. It's a shitty cycle.
You know what else! I don't even have the luxury of having big boobs! Fat women all seem to have big boobs! Which I firmly believe is a huge indication of the fact that I am not meant to be fat!
I have a huge list of what makes me sad because of my weight.
Why do I bring this up? Because i'm working on throwing out the list.
Saying them, becoming accountable and making the changes needed to never have this list again.
I got me to this point in life. Through thick and thin. I will get me to the next point in life!
I'm doing this for me. I think this is a very important distinction to point out.
I am not doing this to be "in" with the girls at school. Regardless of how their treatment of me makes me feel. I am not doing this for my husband and I am not doing this for my children.
This time. I am doing this for me.
Every time I've tried for someone else I've failed and felt resentment.
I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of the pain. I'm tired of the medical issues. I'm tired of being tired.
This is why THIS TIME. I am dedicated.
