The more I am in Canada. The more I miss being in the USA.
This mindset is very much taking over me right now.
I am very homesick for the USA.
Interesting seeing as I was born and raised in Canada.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
I have a yoga mat!
My husband, God bless him. Bought me this yoga kit. It has a mat, a block (I don't know what the block is for to be honest), these 5 lb pink balls, a stretchy band and some other stuff I can't remember!
It's so cool! I now have to start using it!
Things are moving forward in my world. Nothing major. Nothing new.
I mean, I really don't have anything to report. I guess I'll just babble!
The biggest thing happening right now for me is 100% mental/emotional.
I'm learning to cry and let things go.
Sounds easy right? I mean.. come on ! how hard is it to cry?
When you are raised that crying is not something you do. It's hard.
Not only that, the people I've been with have used it as a sign of weakness.
I've always bottled things.
I'm learning not to! It's fun (not) There are moments when I cry and I have no idea why. There are times when i watch TV and something sets me off, OR when i am reading a book!
This morning I had a text convo with a girl that i haven't talked to in weeks. The pain she is feeling was overwhelming and I cried for her.
*sighs*
I know it's a good thing. It's cleansing and purifying. Like the rain!
The only thing on my mind lately is "friends". I'm having a really hard time with the loss of those I felt/thought were my friends.
I wonder if I just have a different view of what friends are.
It makes me homesick for the USA. I miss my American friends. I miss the get togethers! The trips to the waterslides, the Coopers rock trips. The bbqs the insanity.
I miss the fact that driving an hour wasn't a big deal.
I MISS YOU ALL MY BEAUTIFUL AMERICAN PEEPS!
Here in Canada I have only a few friends. I have lots of people around me, but only 2 that I call friend. One is a beautiful and amazing lady. She is helping me learn how to grow. I hope to have her in my life always. What is the most wonderful to me right now is that, she's there. Always there. She knows what is happening in my life and she's always there. If i msg her, or text her and even when i call. She always answers! I've NEVER had that before! When I think about what a friend is, She is it.. with a capital B!
With everyone else, I feel disposable. When i'm needed they come looking, but if I need something they aren't there. They don't want to do anything.
So. I've stopped trying. And this hurts my heart. I don't know how to feel about it all I just know I feel this constriction in my heart. It makes me lonely.
So .. this is me!
I am going to head outside and take my puppies for a walk!!
Get yo butts outside people!!
It's so cool! I now have to start using it!
Things are moving forward in my world. Nothing major. Nothing new.
I mean, I really don't have anything to report. I guess I'll just babble!
The biggest thing happening right now for me is 100% mental/emotional.
I'm learning to cry and let things go.
Sounds easy right? I mean.. come on ! how hard is it to cry?
When you are raised that crying is not something you do. It's hard.
I've always bottled things.
I'm learning not to! It's fun (not) There are moments when I cry and I have no idea why. There are times when i watch TV and something sets me off, OR when i am reading a book!
This morning I had a text convo with a girl that i haven't talked to in weeks. The pain she is feeling was overwhelming and I cried for her.
*sighs*
I know it's a good thing. It's cleansing and purifying. Like the rain!
The only thing on my mind lately is "friends". I'm having a really hard time with the loss of those I felt/thought were my friends.
I wonder if I just have a different view of what friends are.
It makes me homesick for the USA. I miss my American friends. I miss the get togethers! The trips to the waterslides, the Coopers rock trips. The bbqs the insanity.
I miss the fact that driving an hour wasn't a big deal.
I MISS YOU ALL MY BEAUTIFUL AMERICAN PEEPS!
Here in Canada I have only a few friends. I have lots of people around me, but only 2 that I call friend. One is a beautiful and amazing lady. She is helping me learn how to grow. I hope to have her in my life always. What is the most wonderful to me right now is that, she's there. Always there. She knows what is happening in my life and she's always there. If i msg her, or text her and even when i call. She always answers! I've NEVER had that before! When I think about what a friend is, She is it.. with a capital B!
With everyone else, I feel disposable. When i'm needed they come looking, but if I need something they aren't there. They don't want to do anything.
So. I've stopped trying. And this hurts my heart. I don't know how to feel about it all I just know I feel this constriction in my heart. It makes me lonely.
So .. this is me!
I am going to head outside and take my puppies for a walk!!
Get yo butts outside people!!
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Happy Canada day.
Happy Canada to everyone!
I know I'm not as consitient with this blog as I should be. I will be. I have a million excuses as to why I don't blog as much. I'm doing so much school work, I have a house to clean, a yard to tend. I broke a nail and can't yet face reality.
But it all comes down to - It's excuses. Not reasons, excuses.
I haven't done yoga in 2 weeks. Why? because I've been lazy. I can't figure out another good excuse so I'm not going to try.
I haven't felt like it so I haven't.
And this folks, is why I weigh 240 pounds!
I give up quickly.
This is what I need to focus on changing the most. I'm eating much better than pretty much ever in my life before now. I'm getting to a place mentally I've NEVER been before. The one constant that I have the hardest time changing is my exercise. My motivation. It's just not there.
I was on the bus Thursday. If you know me, you know how freaking hard it is for me to get on a bus. To put myself in such a close social setting like that is so hard. I am not a social creature and the humans out there scare me. But I haven't gotten myself to the point where I can walk the distance it was needed to get to school ( HMMMM not THERE is a crazy motivator!!)
So, Thursday I am having the worst day ever. I'd been having issues with the hubby since the day before and the drive to Victoria with him was strained and shitty. I spent the morning alternating between playing with my grand-baby and crying in my daughter's bathroom. It was rough. But I had to go to school! So I get on the bus and it's so packed! I finally found a seat beside the older lady (she had to be in her 60's so not terribly old, but she looked old) after about 2 min she turns to me and says "I used to weight 150 pounds"
This is how the conversation went:
Woman: " I used to weigh 150 pounds"
Me: "I'd love to weigh 150 again"
Woman nodding " Well I started taking B6 and it helped me lose the weight"
pause
Woman: "You should try it"
pause
Me: "I think I should! Can you tell me what it does?"
Then comes a 15 min conversation where this woman explained to me about the B6 and the B12 she is taking and that maybe what was wrong with me for lack of energy was anemia *grins*.
She really was just trying to help, and she was soft and sweet about it. I wasn't that insulted by it. I could of been, but for some reason just the way she had a normal conversation about it with me was nice. I could tell she wasn't being insulting.
I should of got her name.
And you know what, the bus ride went by so quickly I didn't have time to feel like a caged animal.
It did bother me the conversation. That I am fat enough that strangers try to offer me help. The ironic part is, the woman who got on the bus 2 stops after I did was so large she couldn't sit down in a seat.
I wondered if people talked to her about this every day. If random people hit her up for a "how to lose weigh" conversation out of the blue. Did she feel as humiliated as I do?
Friday was a day of mowing the lawn. This might sound easy to you. Push a lawn mower around a yard until it looks good. WEWT.
But for me its not. My grass is taller than my waist, I have 2 acres of it and not only are there native blackberry vines all through it but also tribes of pygmies living in it! Those spears are hard to dodge!
I spent over 4 hours doing the lawn and weeding the rose bushes in the heat! It was awf.......
AHHHH Hubby just asked me if I was ready to go! It's after 9 am and we need to get to Vic for 10!
I'm not even dressed!!!!
I will have to finish this blog later!!
Love and Light until later!
<3
I know I'm not as consitient with this blog as I should be. I will be. I have a million excuses as to why I don't blog as much. I'm doing so much school work, I have a house to clean, a yard to tend. I broke a nail and can't yet face reality.
But it all comes down to - It's excuses. Not reasons, excuses.
I haven't done yoga in 2 weeks. Why? because I've been lazy. I can't figure out another good excuse so I'm not going to try.
I haven't felt like it so I haven't.
And this folks, is why I weigh 240 pounds!
I give up quickly.
This is what I need to focus on changing the most. I'm eating much better than pretty much ever in my life before now. I'm getting to a place mentally I've NEVER been before. The one constant that I have the hardest time changing is my exercise. My motivation. It's just not there.
I was on the bus Thursday. If you know me, you know how freaking hard it is for me to get on a bus. To put myself in such a close social setting like that is so hard. I am not a social creature and the humans out there scare me. But I haven't gotten myself to the point where I can walk the distance it was needed to get to school ( HMMMM not THERE is a crazy motivator!!)
So, Thursday I am having the worst day ever. I'd been having issues with the hubby since the day before and the drive to Victoria with him was strained and shitty. I spent the morning alternating between playing with my grand-baby and crying in my daughter's bathroom. It was rough. But I had to go to school! So I get on the bus and it's so packed! I finally found a seat beside the older lady (she had to be in her 60's so not terribly old, but she looked old) after about 2 min she turns to me and says "I used to weight 150 pounds"
This is how the conversation went:
Woman: " I used to weigh 150 pounds"
Me: "I'd love to weigh 150 again"
Woman nodding " Well I started taking B6 and it helped me lose the weight"
pause
Woman: "You should try it"
pause
Me: "I think I should! Can you tell me what it does?"
Then comes a 15 min conversation where this woman explained to me about the B6 and the B12 she is taking and that maybe what was wrong with me for lack of energy was anemia *grins*.
She really was just trying to help, and she was soft and sweet about it. I wasn't that insulted by it. I could of been, but for some reason just the way she had a normal conversation about it with me was nice. I could tell she wasn't being insulting.
I should of got her name.
And you know what, the bus ride went by so quickly I didn't have time to feel like a caged animal.
It did bother me the conversation. That I am fat enough that strangers try to offer me help. The ironic part is, the woman who got on the bus 2 stops after I did was so large she couldn't sit down in a seat.
I wondered if people talked to her about this every day. If random people hit her up for a "how to lose weigh" conversation out of the blue. Did she feel as humiliated as I do?
Friday was a day of mowing the lawn. This might sound easy to you. Push a lawn mower around a yard until it looks good. WEWT.
But for me its not. My grass is taller than my waist, I have 2 acres of it and not only are there native blackberry vines all through it but also tribes of pygmies living in it! Those spears are hard to dodge!
I spent over 4 hours doing the lawn and weeding the rose bushes in the heat! It was awf.......
AHHHH Hubby just asked me if I was ready to go! It's after 9 am and we need to get to Vic for 10!
I'm not even dressed!!!!
I will have to finish this blog later!!
Love and Light until later!
<3
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Cleaning sucks. Being fat sucks more.
LIFE. Mine needs to change.
It's all about dedication and having the want and need to change. This journey I am on has been started a few times for me. Something has just clicked that makes me want to finally DO it!
It's also incredibly hard. When I sit on a chair at school I am very conscious now of the fact that my ass doesn't fit on it. That my legs bulge out. That I am very uncomfortable physically. I am aware of the "obese" conversations my instructor and fellow students always have and are always looking at me.
I get that I don't fit in with pretty much any of the things in life that I am a part of.
My school mates are mostly all small girls (many who feel they aren't *shakes head*) who don't ask me to hang out or do anything with them because my size is an issue for THEM! I'm not assuming, once classmate actually told me this is why they don't ask me to their parties and stuff. *shrugs* apparently when you are fat you don't have feelings =-)
Very few of them are actually interested in the why I became the way I am (Yes, they are all in school to become healers, why do you ask?) They have made massive assumptions and don't really care if they are wrong. Once they got it in their head, it took root these thoughts and those roots aren't moving.
I think maybe, instead of being so dismissive of me I would have been happier if they attempted to "fix" me! LOL I wouldn't feel quiet as alone. There are times when I'm feeling horribly low and depressed . I'll think about how I will be in a year when I've lost massive weight! (because I WILL) and will i get invited to things then? If so, I don't think i'd go. I'm still me, I'll just be a smaller me!
It's sad but it's OK. I have a handful of people at school who are awesome! I'm blessed to have found them!
Being fat is lonely. Most people don't invite you out, and most times when they do, you don't go! Why? because you are so uncomfortable with your size you don't want to be in public.
Which makes you stay at home and do nothing. Because it's depressing. It's a shitty cycle.
You know what else! I don't even have the luxury of having big boobs! Fat women all seem to have big boobs! Which I firmly believe is a huge indication of the fact that I am not meant to be fat!
I have a huge list of what makes me sad because of my weight.
Why do I bring this up? Because i'm working on throwing out the list.
Saying them, becoming accountable and making the changes needed to never have this list again.
I got me to this point in life. Through thick and thin. I will get me to the next point in life!
I'm doing this for me. I think this is a very important distinction to point out.
I am not doing this to be "in" with the girls at school. Regardless of how their treatment of me makes me feel. I am not doing this for my husband and I am not doing this for my children.
This time. I am doing this for me.
Every time I've tried for someone else I've failed and felt resentment.
I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of the pain. I'm tired of the medical issues. I'm tired of being tired.
This is why THIS TIME. I am dedicated.
It's all about dedication and having the want and need to change. This journey I am on has been started a few times for me. Something has just clicked that makes me want to finally DO it!
It's also incredibly hard. When I sit on a chair at school I am very conscious now of the fact that my ass doesn't fit on it. That my legs bulge out. That I am very uncomfortable physically. I am aware of the "obese" conversations my instructor and fellow students always have and are always looking at me.
I get that I don't fit in with pretty much any of the things in life that I am a part of.
My school mates are mostly all small girls (many who feel they aren't *shakes head*) who don't ask me to hang out or do anything with them because my size is an issue for THEM! I'm not assuming, once classmate actually told me this is why they don't ask me to their parties and stuff. *shrugs* apparently when you are fat you don't have feelings =-)
Very few of them are actually interested in the why I became the way I am (Yes, they are all in school to become healers, why do you ask?) They have made massive assumptions and don't really care if they are wrong. Once they got it in their head, it took root these thoughts and those roots aren't moving.
I think maybe, instead of being so dismissive of me I would have been happier if they attempted to "fix" me! LOL I wouldn't feel quiet as alone. There are times when I'm feeling horribly low and depressed . I'll think about how I will be in a year when I've lost massive weight! (because I WILL) and will i get invited to things then? If so, I don't think i'd go. I'm still me, I'll just be a smaller me!
It's sad but it's OK. I have a handful of people at school who are awesome! I'm blessed to have found them!
Being fat is lonely. Most people don't invite you out, and most times when they do, you don't go! Why? because you are so uncomfortable with your size you don't want to be in public.
Which makes you stay at home and do nothing. Because it's depressing. It's a shitty cycle.
You know what else! I don't even have the luxury of having big boobs! Fat women all seem to have big boobs! Which I firmly believe is a huge indication of the fact that I am not meant to be fat!
I have a huge list of what makes me sad because of my weight.
Why do I bring this up? Because i'm working on throwing out the list.
Saying them, becoming accountable and making the changes needed to never have this list again.
I got me to this point in life. Through thick and thin. I will get me to the next point in life!
I'm doing this for me. I think this is a very important distinction to point out.
I am not doing this to be "in" with the girls at school. Regardless of how their treatment of me makes me feel. I am not doing this for my husband and I am not doing this for my children.
This time. I am doing this for me.
Every time I've tried for someone else I've failed and felt resentment.
I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of the pain. I'm tired of the medical issues. I'm tired of being tired.
This is why THIS TIME. I am dedicated.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Oh hello! I am making changes in my life! Come along and join me!
Well everyone!
If you were following me on my other blog you know what I'm doing in life.
In fact.. Most of you here know what I'm doing so I won't re blog about it tonight. Why?
Because tonight I am tired and lazy! Thats why!
Needless to say. I tried to do a blog with a friend for weight loss and more importantly getting healthy. Mentally and physically.
But in the end I felt like I was the only one doing it. So I figured if that was how I was feeling I might as well just blog on my own blog. That is why i have it!
I've bonded with the darling Brittany who is keeping me accountable and pushing me to excel!
And.. she craves chips with me! BWAHAHAHAHAA
I'll add that blog below (just to piss her off because I KNOW she's reading this! )
My goals for the next week:
Get back on track with my exercising.
Start doing my DDP yoga again.
Drink my beet drink daily *gag*
Blog every day but not feel like crap if I miss a day!
Get my school work done.
Make love to my husband daily (because he turns me on and I deserve it)
Stay away from chocolate
Stay away from chips
Drink my beet juice. (ugg)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~WEE FOR CHANGE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Theres also the issue of cost. My friend Mel, Bless her. Is rich. I don't hold this against her. She's a lovely woman! So don't you judge her ok! ;-)
So when I tell her I'm craving something sweet her response is "Go buy a ton of berries!"
If you were following me on my other blog you know what I'm doing in life.
In fact.. Most of you here know what I'm doing so I won't re blog about it tonight. Why?
Because tonight I am tired and lazy! Thats why!
Needless to say. I tried to do a blog with a friend for weight loss and more importantly getting healthy. Mentally and physically.
But in the end I felt like I was the only one doing it. So I figured if that was how I was feeling I might as well just blog on my own blog. That is why i have it!
I've bonded with the darling Brittany who is keeping me accountable and pushing me to excel!
And.. she craves chips with me! BWAHAHAHAHAA
I'll add that blog below (just to piss her off because I KNOW she's reading this! )
My goals for the next week:
Get back on track with my exercising.
Start doing my DDP yoga again.
Drink my beet drink daily *gag*
Blog every day but not feel like crap if I miss a day!
Get my school work done.
Make love to my husband daily (because he turns me on and I deserve it)
Stay away from chocolate
Stay away from chips
Drink my beet juice. (ugg)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~WEE FOR CHANGE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Salty vrs sweet
I'm going with a big font today
because I'm feeling old and like I need to be able to SEE what I am typing.
Its been a long day for me. I'm feeling the effects of the anemia. Had to
pull over today and rest on the drive home. After telling everyone how awesome
I'm feeling physically! WTF.
Friday (no not tonight) I am going to start taking my proferrin 3 times a day instead of once. Trying to keep it together. Other than that, I got to spend time with my grandchubby today! We made banana splits! <3 It was a lot of fun. I'll post photos on Friday! ON WITH THE BLOG!
Friday (no not tonight) I am going to start taking my proferrin 3 times a day instead of once. Trying to keep it together. Other than that, I got to spend time with my grandchubby today! We made banana splits! <3 It was a lot of fun. I'll post photos on Friday! ON WITH THE BLOG!
There comes a point when you crave something.
You NEED IT!
You will rip your husbands hair out if he doesn't go to the
store RIGHT EFFING NOW! Hmm, this might just be me.
By the way, I am pretty sure big brother is watching me
after Google searching "Kill hubby cravings" to get images!
The sad part for me right now is, I'm not even pregnant!
I'm just fat! You know when you are trying to get healthy the cravings
get stronger!! Oh and I'm a few days away from getting my endofasentence. That
could be the issue!
Either way I alternate daily between wanting to kill for salty treats and threatening to beat someone if they don't find me something sweet! In my mind.... this is me! How can she be so skinny?? LOL
Either way I alternate daily between wanting to kill for salty treats and threatening to beat someone if they don't find me something sweet! In my mind.... this is me! How can she be so skinny?? LOL
I had a conversation this morning as I drove to Victoria with my
friend Mel. We were talking about healthy alternatives to bad cravings.
The issue is, Sometimes it's not as cut and dry as "I want
something sweet/salty"
Theres also the issue of cost. My friend Mel, Bless her. Is rich. I don't hold this against her. She's a lovely woman! So don't you judge her ok! ;-)
So when I tell her I'm craving something sweet her response is "Go buy a ton of berries!"
One tiny thing of blueberries is $5 or more! NO can do!
A large thing of strawberries is $10. Do you know how much veg I can buy
for $10? I unlike my darling friend am dirt poor. I crave chocolate
sometimes but I won't buy it and take that money away from my son eating. Even
for $2. (Remember when a chocolate bar was 50 cents??)
But she is right. Instead of buying candy (my weakness more than
chocolate) I'll buy fruit. Not always berries, but I LOVE frozen green grapes.
They taste wonderful and you won't eat them as quickly. I also love
spartan apples! MMMMMmm When I am craving sweets, I go for apples! I also
, with any craving period, increase my water intake.
I found some hints on staying away chocolate! Check it out:
Now, heres the thing. I don't tend to crave salty things. I
crave crunchy things! Lately I've wanted crunch and vinegary!
mmmmmmmmmmmmmm Now how do I combat that? EASY! I send Bill to the
store to get salt and vinegar chips! HELL YEAH! Rippled! So I can nibble them!
Yup, thats what I did!
Yup, thats what I did!
and I hated the few chips I ate. They tasted like deep fried
fat. They were hard. They hurt my mouth.
What I did was I cut up some carrots into sticks and got a
little container. In the container I put Malt vinegar. I normally use Apple
cider but yesterday I wanted Malt!
IT WAS SOOOO NUMMY!!!!!! omg. Got my crunchy craving out
of the way and added that malt flavor that just ROCKS!
In all this getting healthy business we have to remember to
treat ourselves. If we don't, we'll fail. Moderation. Don't go overboard!
This is what I am learning.
What do you do when you have a craving? Do you cave in? or do
you get something healthy?
Let me know! I need suggestions =-D
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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