Cleaning sucks. Being fat sucks more.

LIFE. Mine needs to change.

It's all about dedication and having the want and need to change.  This journey I am on has been started a few times for me. Something has just clicked that makes me want to finally DO it!

It's also incredibly hard.  When I sit on a chair at school I am very conscious now of the fact that my ass doesn't fit on it. That my legs bulge out. That I am very uncomfortable physically. I am aware of the "obese" conversations my instructor and fellow students always have and are always looking at me.
I get that I don't fit in with pretty much any of the things in life that I am a part of.
My school mates are mostly all small girls (many who feel they aren't *shakes head*) who don't ask me to hang out or do anything with them because my size is an issue for THEM!  I'm not assuming, once classmate actually told me this is why they don't ask me to their parties and stuff. *shrugs* apparently when you are fat you don't have feelings =-)
Very few of them are actually interested in the why I became the way I am (Yes, they are all in school to become healers, why do you ask?) They have made massive assumptions and don't really care if they are wrong. Once they got it in their head, it took root these thoughts and those roots aren't moving.
I think maybe, instead of being so dismissive of me I would have been happier if they attempted to "fix" me!  LOL I wouldn't feel quiet as alone.  There are times when I'm feeling horribly low and depressed . I'll think about how I will be in a year when I've lost massive weight! (because I WILL)  and will i get invited to things then?  If so, I don't think i'd go.  I'm still me, I'll just be a smaller me!

It's sad but it's OK. I have a handful of people at school who are awesome!  I'm blessed to have found them! 


Being fat is lonely.   Most people don't invite you out, and most times when they do, you don't go!  Why? because you are so uncomfortable with your size you don't want to be in public.
Which makes you stay at home and do nothing. Because it's depressing. It's a shitty cycle. 


You know what else! I don't even have the luxury of  having big boobs!  Fat women all seem to have big boobs!  Which I firmly believe is a huge indication of the fact that I  am not meant to be fat!


I have a huge list of what makes me sad because of my weight.
Why do I bring this up? Because i'm working on throwing out the list.

Saying them, becoming accountable and making the changes needed to never have this list again.

I got me to this point in life. Through thick and thin. I will get me to the next point in life! 


I'm doing this for me. I think this is a very important distinction to point out.
I am not doing this to be "in" with the girls at school. Regardless of how their treatment of me makes me feel. I am not doing this for my husband and I am not doing this for my children.
This time. I am doing this for me. 
Every time I've tried for someone else I've failed and felt resentment.


I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of the pain. I'm tired of the medical issues. I'm tired of being tired.

This is why THIS TIME. I am dedicated.  

Oh hello! I am making changes in my life! Come along and join me!

Well everyone!
 If you were following me on my other blog you know what I'm doing in life.
In fact.. Most of you here know what I'm doing so I won't re blog about it tonight. Why?
Because tonight I am tired and lazy! Thats why!


Needless to say. I tried to do a blog with a friend for weight loss and more importantly getting healthy. Mentally and physically.
But in the end I felt like I was the only one doing it. So I figured if that was how I was feeling I might as well just blog on my own blog. That is why i have it!


I've bonded with the darling Brittany who is keeping me accountable and pushing me to excel!
And.. she craves chips with me! BWAHAHAHAHAA
I'll add that blog below (just to piss her off because I KNOW she's reading this! )


My goals for the next week:


Get back on track with my exercising.
Start doing my DDP yoga again.
Drink my beet drink daily *gag*
Blog every day but not feel like crap if I miss a day!
Get my school work done.
Make love to my husband daily (because he turns me on and I deserve it)
Stay away from chocolate
Stay away from chips
Drink my beet juice. (ugg)


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~WEE FOR CHANGE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Salty vrs sweet 

I'm going with a big font today because I'm feeling old and like I need to be able to SEE what I am typing.  Its been a long day for me. I'm feeling the effects of the anemia. Had to pull over today and rest on the drive home. After telling everyone how awesome I'm feeling physically!  WTF. 
Friday (no not tonight) I am going to start taking my proferrin 3 times a day instead of once.  Trying to keep it together.  Other than that, I got to spend time with my grandchubby today! We made banana splits! <3 It was a lot of fun. I'll post photos on Friday!  ON WITH THE BLOG!

There comes a point when you crave something.

You NEED IT! 

You will rip your husbands hair out if he doesn't go to the store RIGHT EFFING NOW!  Hmm, this might just be me. 

By the way, I am pretty sure big brother is watching me after Google searching "Kill hubby cravings" to get images!

The sad part for me right now is, I'm not even pregnant!  I'm just fat! You know when you are trying to get healthy the cravings get stronger!! Oh and I'm a few days away from getting my endofasentence. That could be the issue!
Either way I alternate daily between wanting to kill for salty treats and threatening to beat someone if they don't find me something sweet!   In my mind.... this is me!  How can she be so skinny?? LOL

I had a conversation this morning as I drove to Victoria with my friend Mel. We were talking about healthy alternatives to bad cravings.  

The issue is, Sometimes it's not as cut and dry as "I want something sweet/salty"

Theres also the issue of cost. My friend Mel, Bless her. Is rich. I don't hold this against her. She's a lovely woman!  So don't you judge her ok!   ;-)
So when I tell her I'm craving something sweet her response is "Go buy a ton of berries!"

One tiny thing of blueberries is $5 or more!  NO can do!  A large thing of strawberries is $10. Do you know how much veg I can buy for $10?  I unlike my darling friend am dirt poor. I crave chocolate sometimes but I won't buy it and take that money away from my son eating. Even for $2. (Remember when a chocolate bar was 50 cents??) 

But she is right. Instead of buying candy (my weakness more than chocolate) I'll buy fruit. Not always berries, but I LOVE frozen green grapes. They taste wonderful and you won't eat them as quickly.  I also love spartan apples! MMMMMmm When I am craving sweets, I go for apples!  I also , with any craving period, increase my water intake.

I found some hints on staying away chocolate! Check it out:

http://www.fitday.com/fitness-articles/fitness/weight-loss/7-healthy-ways-to-satisfy-your-chocolate-cravings.html

Now, heres the thing. I don't tend to crave salty things. I crave crunchy things!  Lately I've wanted crunch and vinegary! mmmmmmmmmmmmmm   Now how do I combat that?  EASY! I send Bill to the store to get salt and vinegar chips! HELL YEAH!  Rippled! So I can nibble them!

Yup, thats what I did!

and I hated the few chips I ate. They tasted like deep fried fat.  They were hard. They hurt my mouth. 

What I did was I cut up some carrots into sticks and got a little container. In the container I put Malt vinegar. I normally use Apple cider but yesterday I wanted Malt! 

IT WAS SOOOO NUMMY!!!!!!  omg. Got my crunchy craving out of the way and added that malt flavor that just ROCKS! 

In all this getting healthy business we have to remember to treat ourselves. If we don't, we'll fail. Moderation. Don't go overboard!  This is what I am learning.

What do you do when you have a craving? Do you cave in? or do you get something healthy?

Let me know! I need suggestions =-D

http://www.self.com/fooddiet/2010/06/beat-any-craving

http://www.prlog.org/11816966-say-goodbye-to-food-cravings-thanks-to-new-research.html

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Tuesdays How I love Tuesdays.

Tuesdays are my favorite day this semester.

Tuesdays start out with sleeping in! First class isn't until noon!

Of course, sleeping in consists of rolling out of bed by 8am.

I know! Its a sickness!

My first class of the Tuesday is Herbal Pharmac

y. WHAT a BRILLIANT way to start a day! Making something that heals! I should say, learning to make something that heals!

I finish the day off with Materia Medica (aka Mat med). This is learning the herbs. Those beautiful beings that do the actual healing.

So yes, I love Tuesdays.

Dear blog. I know I've been neglecting you! You who was helping me with getting my brain ability back! YAY for head trauma! I have been neglecting you and I realize that I am suffering for it.

Life has been a struggle these past 6 months. Just trying to keep everything working, everything moving forward! I feel like I'm starting to get on top again but it has been really slow going.

The light in my life is school.

I'm making herbal honey! OH SO AMAZING

! Here are some photos (If I can figure out putting them in)

My ginger honey has been a real hit. I kind of love the rose honey the most personally.

Tonight I'll be attempting lavender honey with the lavender from my garden.

Alright I'm about done with this blogging thing for the day! I need to start getting ready for class.

I will leave you with a photo of the Grand-Chubby Jack. It was his first Thanksgiving this year.

The Dalai Lama's 18 rules for living.

At the start of the new millennium the Dalai Lama apparently issued eighteen rules for living.

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three Rs:
   1. Respect for self
   2. Respect for others
   3. Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honourable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Day one of a new day.

I'm joined a weight loss challenge. This is how it started. I woke up this morning depressed and in pain so bad it took me 20 min to be able to get out of bed. I made my morning tea and logged onto facebook. Same thing I do every morning. Go from my bed to my desk because my chair supports me! The first thing I see when I log into facebook this morning was this status:

Who wants to be part of My 6 Months Documentary?? Starting on June 10th for SIX MONTHS, you keep track of YOUR progress.... weight loss, muscle gain or whatever your goals are.

http://www.facebook.com/My6Months

Well WHY NOT? I'm kind of in a nasty slump right now. Fibro is kicking my ass with this flair up and I've got to do SOMETHING.

So, I'm going to do the best that i can. I have all the tools that i need.

I have an xbox with the Biggest loser workout that is pretty dusty.

I have taps in my house that produce water

and

I have a beating heart.

I live in a beautiful city that has tons of walking places that are serene.

I can do this!

I am going to try blogging everything here, instead of attempting the youtube way (as I've done before)

I am lazy, and the thoughts of taking so long to edit a video for youtube.. not my cup of tea!

So heres to Day ONE!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Over the next 6 Months.... I will help you change your MIND, BODY and SOUL for the better... POSITIVE CHANGE.

HOW?

If you could go back 6 Months... what would you change to:

Be More Happy than you are now?
To have a better Relationship?
To make more Money?
To Educate yourself?
To Smile more?

WRITE DOWN YOUR ANSWERS

Those are your GOALS for this next 6 Months!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My goals, Lose weight, get a little more healthy and enjoy life a lot more! Clear out the cobwebs of my body and mind!

I will get myself weighed so I know how much I am, and then we'll set a goal for weightloss.
I'll start posting my lists. as I make them.

I can do this.


*NOTE and UPDATE*

I did not do this!

School is ...

School is exhilarating. It's hard and challenging and it brings up a whole plethora of crazy emotions.

I'm 35 years old. Just starting to live for myself. MYSELF.

I've made massive changes in my life. In my mind. Most importantly in my soul.

I can't believe I'm here. I'm at this point, this place.

There are struggles. They are internal. It's very hard for me to strap my bag on and walk out the door every morning and catch that bus. The thought of failing and letting everyone else down can be overwhelming. The thought of failing myself and letting myself down is crushing.

It's hard to walk into this school with so many students no where near my age but with so much more educational experience.

The beautiful thing is.

I walk in to that school every day. Those student. Don't see my age. They see me. They see another student. They see someone that THEY can help. Isn't that what we are all there for? Learning to be teachers, learning to be healers. They teach me every day what it is to be human, to be part of a village. Maybe a commune. LOL

I have a project I will be starting tomorrow. For my Botany and Horticulture class. I will be planting some seeds and documenting their life. I have never planted something from seed before. This will be a new scary experience for me. I'm trying to embrace it! I'm TRYING DAMN IT. LoL

My goal is to blog it. I hope I can continue to do this.

Jack is growing beautifully. He's going through a cranky stage as we await the arrival of 2 teeth! We can feel them and I hope they pop out SOON! Mostly because we'd all love some sleep. LOL

Katie and Justin are moving into their own place @ the end of the month. I am super excited for them. For Katie. This will be her first place! How exciting!

Oh, follow up from my last post, Timmy has moved back from Alberta. *smile* I think he realized that instead of trying to find a family for himself, he had one right here.

Well I better get my butt off here. I had so much to say, until I started saying it!

Love and Light.

Blah and the such

I posted, and then it went away.