School is ...

School is exhilarating. It's hard and challenging and it brings up a whole plethora of crazy emotions.

I'm 35 years old. Just starting to live for myself. MYSELF.

I've made massive changes in my life. In my mind. Most importantly in my soul.

I can't believe I'm here. I'm at this point, this place.

There are struggles. They are internal. It's very hard for me to strap my bag on and walk out the door every morning and catch that bus. The thought of failing and letting everyone else down can be overwhelming. The thought of failing myself and letting myself down is crushing.

It's hard to walk into this school with so many students no where near my age but with so much more educational experience.

The beautiful thing is.

I walk in to that school every day. Those student. Don't see my age. They see me. They see another student. They see someone that THEY can help. Isn't that what we are all there for? Learning to be teachers, learning to be healers. They teach me every day what it is to be human, to be part of a village. Maybe a commune. LOL

I have a project I will be starting tomorrow. For my Botany and Horticulture class. I will be planting some seeds and documenting their life. I have never planted something from seed before. This will be a new scary experience for me. I'm trying to embrace it! I'm TRYING DAMN IT. LoL

My goal is to blog it. I hope I can continue to do this.

Jack is growing beautifully. He's going through a cranky stage as we await the arrival of 2 teeth! We can feel them and I hope they pop out SOON! Mostly because we'd all love some sleep. LOL

Katie and Justin are moving into their own place @ the end of the month. I am super excited for them. For Katie. This will be her first place! How exciting!

Oh, follow up from my last post, Timmy has moved back from Alberta. *smile* I think he realized that instead of trying to find a family for himself, he had one right here.

Well I better get my butt off here. I had so much to say, until I started saying it!

Love and Light.

Blah and the such

I posted, and then it went away.

Random Saturday Babble.

So much to talk about. So much to get out of this head of mine.

Jack is growing in leaps and bounds. I love him like i've never loved before.

Don't get me wrong. I love my children more than I could ever begin to explain. But as a mother you put your whole life on hold for these little humans. Willingly! You live and breathe and you stress. Will they make it through infancy?Will they make it to their teens? will they make it? Did I teach them what they need to become productive humans? Did I send them to school with a lunch that won't make the other mothers think i'm a horrible mom? Did I put them in clean clothes this morning? Did they hear dad and I argue about money? Will they run to school and tell everyone we're struggling? Did I get the pork out of the freezer so we don't have to have grilled cheese again for dinner? Have I screwed up so bad that they will grow up and become mass murderers?

You know.. I have fears!

With Jack I still have fears, but I don't stress. His mom does that. I can sit back and I can enjoy this little human. I can hold him and cuddle him and I can just live.

AND

I can take photos! LOL

Thursday marked a BIG day for me. I received confirmation for my student loans.

This means I will be starting school in May! The excitement and terror this has caused make for an amazing stomach! LOL I am so excited yet so nervous! I am lucky to have a friend already going there who will help me along the way but, I'm so nervous I can't even begin to tell you!

It's going to be a long journey for me yet I look forward to the obstacles.

It's hard to not shout it out to the world! I want to tell everyone about this! and yet, I'm trying to keep it from my work manager. The last time i was "potentially" going to be attending school she made my life a living hell. I'm not yet ready to give my notice but I feel it's only a matter of time before she finds out that I'm leaving in 1.5 months. I should probably just put my notice in, but I want to wait until I have the final paperwork for school signed and they payments made.

Once I have all my ducks in a row I will then give notice.

I have to admit, a large portion of me wants to wait until the middle of April and only give her 2 weeks notice.

My issue with this is, I'd be doing it out of spite. She has made my 2 years as an employee there very hard. She is petty and vindictive and annoying. She isn't liked by anyone and she knows this. I'm sure it makes her sad and I hate to add to the sadness but she really just, ugggg!

If I tell her now, that gives her ample time to hire someone new and train them. Or promote a receptionist to the Client Care position and be done with it. (which is what i'll probably do once my paperwork is final and the funds go through)

Or do I be petty and wait until the 2 weeks before I leave, like most people do.

We've just had 2 people leave us, and I know of another full timer that is leaving shortly after me. It's because the place I work for is the WORST place ever!

Don't get me wrong, I love most of my co-workers. But the management is by far the worst I've ever encountered. the moral there is disgustingly low.

*sighs*

I know I'll give my notice as soon as I know my schooling is secure. I know that giving a month and a bit notice is still going to stress my manager out and she's going to make everyones life hell because of it. This is why I've prepared my co-workers. It's the best I can do right now.

and

I hope they all make huge changes in their lives like they want to and get out of there while they can still smile and see the good in life!

Life is too short to sit in a building full of negative managers.

I guess I can thank them! To be honest! If it wasn't for their negativity and bullshit, I'd never had had the push I needed to get my ass in gear and get myself into school!

Hello it's been a long time.

I apparently have not blogged since 2009!

So much has happened!

So much has changed!

The biggest change came December 1st 2010.

You can see his photo here. His name is Jack Robert. He is my grandson. =-)

YES I KNOW! I'm the youngest grandma I know as well (I will be 35 this April)

Apparently my daughter, for all her protesting, is just like me! Well, like me in that we're both teenage moms. She is much smarter than I was. She is working (on mat leave), being a mom AND finishing her high school. She wants to go on to become a hairdresser/nail lady/ massager/something else but I forget. The good thing is, SHE WILL! She has her school picked out, already has the payment figured out and today she goes to school to discuss what she will need to give her a leg up when she starts. I don't know if she knows or will ever understand just how proud of her I am. She and Jack are living here with me until the summer. I am blessed with this time to be a hands on Grandma! He is a joy I can never explain. I love my children. I have never known such love as what I feel for my kids, but Grandma love is something more! It's AMAZING!

I will start blogging more fun stuff about Jack. He is 3 months old now, 18 pounds and yesterday was his first day in his jolly jumper. OH my GOSH he loved it! He's just so cute! His daddy is a Native and you can tell Jack is as well (I call him my little Eskimo). So when he was in his little jolly jumper he'd do this foot to foot then boot feet jump, and it looked like he was doing a funny dance. I told my hubby he was doing a rain dance! Sure enough, within the hour it started POURING outside! I don't care if the weatherman predicted it! My grand bebe made it happen! =-)

Another major change that has happened is my oldest son Timothy has moved to Alberta. I will save this for a whole other blog.

What is happening with me you ask? You probably didn't ask, but I'm going to tell you anyway!

I have made some profound changes in my life, my essence , my being.

AND I FRICKEN LOVE IT!

I have literally taken a good hard look at my life, my family, my friends and started wiping the slate clean.

I have said goodbye, or walked away from all the people who ever took advantage of me, mistreated me, or just treated me like I was a flighty piece of shit, which I guess goes under the category of mistreated me.

I've had some major feed back from those I've walked away from. Some think my husband is abusive and forcing me to shut out my family. This coming from someone who did have that happen and assumes everyone is in an abusive relationship. Also, she figures I'm to weak to actually turn my back on her. But I did. Thats the thing. I'm learning I AM STRONG! I can make my own decisions, I can do what pleases ME not everyone else. I no longer need to care for everyone else. It's EMMIE TIME!

By the way.

MY NAME IS EMILY! Or EMMIE if you prefer. Not Terese, not Theresa, Not even Terri.

Thank you for respecting me enough to take that into consideration. Oh wait, you've never respected me, so why on earth would I think you'd understand a single thing about me!

As you can see, I still have some pent up anger issue. I'm working through them :-)

It's not odd that i'm doing this. The only odd part is why I didn't do it YEARS AGO!

I've hurt some, others are fine with my decision. All in all, it's been good. It's been healing.

It makes me think of this quote:

A lot of people say they want to get out of pain, and I'm sure that's true, but they aren't willing to make healing a high priority. They aren't willing to look inside to see the source of their pain in order to deal with it.
-- Lindsay Wagner

I have made healing a high priority in my life. It has made me stronger and made my marriage beautiful.

And on to the most EXCITING EMMIE THING!

I am going to school. *dances around* I am taking Phytotherapy, naturalpathic-chinese medicine.

I have to admit, there is a LOT of western medical training involved! But I have learned, this is because you can not treat a western human without knowing what the "western ailment" is.

I will keep you updated on my progress. In 3 years you can address me as Dr.Emily McGregor.

Thank you!

In the wind

Change is in the air. I know it, I feel it, and i welcome it. I think its been stale for too long now. Time to purge and move forward.
Someone once said, There can be no change without change.
I think one think I have learned in 33 years is to not expect stability. Time to grasp that concept and go with the flow.
Change is in the air.

Going going poof

Well, I'm over my hurdle of emotions. Not feeling so angry and upset about it all, because really, what choice do I have but to deal with it until she leaves?
Why waste the energy on being cranky! LOL
I'm planning and trying to figure out what I need to buy and replace once she is gone. Seems a lot of what we thought we were going to have is slowly disappearing so my list is increasing =-D
It's not a bad thing, I like to shop! WOOOT

I'm looking forward to my son coming home. He's having a really rough time at Boot Camp. And as a mother, it gets under my skin. I look forward to having him home. I hope the new ways that he has been taught will stay with him. I am not sure I really have high hopes at this point, but we have to have dreams. LOL

The disease or the medication.

So, I was talking to a family member yesterday about the issues at hand and how best to deal with them. I didn't get anything useful out of it, though I'm sure this person felt they were helping me.
I was pretty much told I needed to just suck it up and deal with it, because it wasn't her fault she is the way she is, It's "the Disease".
The Disease?

We can't let mental illness control who we are. and in this case, she only started to in the last 10 years.
She was badgered into going on pension, Why? we won't go into that right now.
I see that partially she is a victim, but where does that end? She's been through a hell of a lot worse than anyone I know in life, and up until within the last 10 years, she always came out swinging. Always was so strong.

I know that a good deal of it is because of the shock she took when my brother was killed. But I've met other women who have been through it, and come out differently. I know, I know, we all react to grief in our own way.
*throws up hands*

What it comes down to is, This disease, isn't the reason for everything, it merely enables some to use it as a crutch.
Gives them the power to act any way they want, and it's "allowed"

It makes me so damn frustrated.

Ok, I really should go more into depth here, but, I have to be at work shortly and I haven't even gotten ready!
More later, or not.