Going going poof

Well, I'm over my hurdle of emotions. Not feeling so angry and upset about it all, because really, what choice do I have but to deal with it until she leaves?
Why waste the energy on being cranky! LOL
I'm planning and trying to figure out what I need to buy and replace once she is gone. Seems a lot of what we thought we were going to have is slowly disappearing so my list is increasing =-D
It's not a bad thing, I like to shop! WOOOT

I'm looking forward to my son coming home. He's having a really rough time at Boot Camp. And as a mother, it gets under my skin. I look forward to having him home. I hope the new ways that he has been taught will stay with him. I am not sure I really have high hopes at this point, but we have to have dreams. LOL

The disease or the medication.

So, I was talking to a family member yesterday about the issues at hand and how best to deal with them. I didn't get anything useful out of it, though I'm sure this person felt they were helping me.
I was pretty much told I needed to just suck it up and deal with it, because it wasn't her fault she is the way she is, It's "the Disease".
The Disease?

We can't let mental illness control who we are. and in this case, she only started to in the last 10 years.
She was badgered into going on pension, Why? we won't go into that right now.
I see that partially she is a victim, but where does that end? She's been through a hell of a lot worse than anyone I know in life, and up until within the last 10 years, she always came out swinging. Always was so strong.

I know that a good deal of it is because of the shock she took when my brother was killed. But I've met other women who have been through it, and come out differently. I know, I know, we all react to grief in our own way.
*throws up hands*

What it comes down to is, This disease, isn't the reason for everything, it merely enables some to use it as a crutch.
Gives them the power to act any way they want, and it's "allowed"

It makes me so damn frustrated.

Ok, I really should go more into depth here, but, I have to be at work shortly and I haven't even gotten ready!
More later, or not.

It has been awhile

Yes I know, I've not been around or in the blogging mood for some time now.
I've been focused on finishing school and then getting a job, keeping the job!
You know lifes crap.
Things have been good and bad and ugly. Bill finally has his work Visa. Not that he's actively gotten a job with it yet! He's been working for a friend, which isn't bad! Don't get me wrong, it's just that, if my governmentgives you the ability to work.. legally , don't you think you should?
I'm feeling blue and resentful right now. and the safest person to take it out on is my husband. What an odd thing for me to say I know. But tis the truth.
It's not even HIM I'm resentful towards!

Ahh well, Working through it

Onward and forward

I haven't been around to much lately.
Working and school are all consuming.
There isn't anything actually happening in my world. I'm working at the midwife clinic part time and at a doctors office the other time.
And that is all that is happening.
I'm waiting for Bill's work visa to show up, as soon as it does, He'll be getting a job.
I don't have a paying job, and that makes life suck. LOL

Who cares about this honestly, I'm mostly giving a bit of an update, but it sounds MUCH more depressing than it is. Both Bill and I are in good spirits, the kids are doing good, and we're all banding together to move forward in life.
I am worried about my friends Paul and Bobbi. They have hit rock bottom and are struggling so hard to keep things going. If I could do anything I would.
Paul has a job and is working so much he's sick. Physically sick. My Bobbi can't work,. She's recently had a devastating thing happen, She came down with bells palsy and is trying to heal enough to start moving forward. She's dedicated to getting better, she is frustrated it's not going fast enough. So she can't work. Without BOTH of them working, they can not pay rent or bills. and because Paul makes more than they deem worthy, they don't qualify for welfare help, not even a little.
Yet, anyone with a drug issue, or wants to pop out a million kids and do nothing can get welfare in this country. It pisses me off.
Living in this province is the worst too! A 3 bedroom apartment in a bad area, is over 1200 a month NOTHING included.
How are we supposed to survive with our children? Should we all become drug addicts?

We need to band together and work it out!

Heart Broken

Well, Tuesday we had to say goodbye to a beautiful soul.
Our Dog Willis has gone to the Rainbow Bridge!
I can't begin to explain the emptiness I feel at his loss! I've always been rather... hard with things. I've lost a lot in my life. I've been through hell and took names, went back for a few rounds and survived. So, I walk through life with a bit of numbness to the negative things, to the heartache in life. Or I kid myself that I do.
This has shook me though. This has knocked me on my ass, This is hell kicking me and taking my name.

We took Willis for the last car ride of his life. We told him what was about to happen, and why, and like any dog, he licked our faces and wagged his tail and jumped in the van! He was ready to go.
Once I hit the highway I numbed myself. I blocked everything out and put on my brave face. Because, though this was my dog, and I loved him. This is my husbands partner, His brother, his link to all that is good. His proof that there is a God as he puts it.
I felt my job was/is to support him through this time.
yeah, I did ok until we got to the Vet hospital. Then, I couldn't do it. My dog was all tongue and wagging tail, thinking we were taking him on a wonderful outing to a new place. So trusting, so innocent. He didn't know we were there to put an end to his beautiful existence.
We took him in, met the people we needed to meet, Paid the fee, which just about killed US, and went into the room.
I sat through them explaining how they were going to do it, Crying silently, I hugged my dog, I let my hubby comfort me, and then I said I couldn't be there.
I couldn't watch them end my dog's life. I don't know why, but I couldn't be there for him. Part of me felt like I was letting my Willis down, and part of me feels , It wasn't my place. That was a time for Willis and Bill to be together.

I went to my Van and bawled my heart out , until I thought I was going to be sick. Then pulled myself together. I knew at this point, My dog was gone, and I wanted to go make sure my hubby was ok.
I walked into the vets office and sat in the waiting chair, and then I seen it, and I heard it. I looked up from my hands towards the door, and seen my pup's tail sticking out from under it, and I heard this keening wail of my husband's grief. It stripped my numbness and my heart bled. My Bill is a "tough guy" he doesn't cry very often. And this... this was devastating. I could hear the shock at what he'd just had to do, and the heartbreaking grief. I heard it all.
I went in to see if I could comfort him. I couldn't, I just sat there rubbing both their heads, as he sat on the floor with our Willis' head in his lap. My dog looked so peaceful!

It wasn't until I got home that it was overwhelming. I walked in, and there were no welcoming Barks, I started to softly cry, but, it wasn't until i opened my bedroom door!
I looked to my bed, and there was No Willis head! NO WILLIS ! No head popping up to say "I'm not on your bed mom!! Honest!"


My house is quiet, My house is empty, my house is hollow.
I miss the smell of his farts! how sick is THAT! LOL

I sure do miss my dog.

17 Years.......

April 18th is a day each year that I take specially to remember the rough time I had to live through in 1992. I chose to not think about it the rest of the year as much as I can, because I want to spend the Rest of the time just thinking good things, and having good memories flow through my brain.

April 18 1992 is the day my brother Jason was killed. The day my life stood still, the day my world came crashing down. Nothing has been the same since.

Sure, I've learned to keep putting one foot in front of the other and carrying on, but that day, my life and reality crashed into one another creating a huge vortex. A part of my heart was killed off, and has never healed.

I've sought in many different faucets of life, to find someway of filling that void, of healing the hole.I still haven't and I think I've finally stopped trying.
and I am no longer just drugging it so it would go away. I tell you, rehab isn't worth it, LOL and I'm clean and clear! I don't drink the pain away and I don't shoot the pain away anymore, I just let is wash over me, and it seems to be working!


Its nice to be back in BC. With not having my brother buried or having a final resting place, I don't have anywhere to go to put flowers, to talk, to do all the "normal" things we do when someone passes on. With being in the city that he was killed, it gives me an opportunity to go to the site of the incident, to place Flowers and pictures and whatever else I wish, on his pole. It's my way of remembering, its my way of making the city remember.

It was a beautiful day here. The sun was out, it was warm, the birds were driving me nuts... my dogs wanted to play! Normal everyday things! I don't know why, but I tend to just wish the world would stand still along with me! Just on this one day, Is that to much to ask? LOL
My mother's "Best Friend" for almost 40 years called to talk to my mom, and when I said that she was off on a walk to the ocean and just wanted to be alone, she asked me why.. I was a little stunned, because after a few moments of talking with her, I realized, She didn't remember.
Now, ok, I understand that this wasn't HER child, but some deep part of me thinks, if your even a slight friend of my mothers, you know, and remember... let alone someone who has known her for 40 years.
I can't stand this woman to begin with, but this is a little selfish. LOL Oh well, each to their own.

So, my son and I went to the pole and put flowers and a picture of my brother on it, and called it a day.
I wasn't depressed, though, when the man walking down the road stopped and read my thing, and Started telling me how sorry he was, I admit, I cried. But for the most part, I did ok.
I had a few heart breaking and morbid moments, but I carried on. Because really.. What choice do I have?

and now, Only 8 more days until my birthday!! YAY!

Feeling Bummed

We are taking our Pup Willis to be put down on Tuesday.
I know its what is best for him, I just know it isn't what is best for ME! My husband is going to be devastated as are the children. So it's going to be a rough time for us over the next while.
My Hubby has had him for over 10 years, he's 14 years old, and starting to really get bad. He's got dementia.. which is no fun! He's been having mini strokes, doesn't have use of one leg, and still thinks he's a puppy! I love this dog!
*sighs*
And my kitten ran away!

they say things happen in 3's... With my animals, that only leaves Amber! What more can happen?